I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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