If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
