That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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