U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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