I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
