hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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