My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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