Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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