I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize