if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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