That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
