i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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