fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
