Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
