the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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