We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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