a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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