It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
