You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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