I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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