I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
