I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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