I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
