shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
