How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
