I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
a search helicopter?!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
