Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
