I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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