I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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