and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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