Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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