At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
