nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
