I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
