Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
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I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
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If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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