The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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