How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
