Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
