After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he was CRYING into my vagina
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
