you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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