My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
