I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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