I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
