I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
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I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
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Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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