I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So much rum. So many feels.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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