Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it was like his penis was on wheels.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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