I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
