Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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