Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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