thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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