I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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