I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
