you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
