You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize