Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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