So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
