we have officially lost it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
