just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
